Afraid

I go solo

to the places of fear

as if without witnesses

no one will be able to 

testify that terror

has eaten a hole

in my heart.

I can’t tell if 

this is common practice 

to meet the technicians

in the doctors’ offices

with a brave face

to spare them from seeing 

my discomfort 

when I remember

to be mortal.

Perhaps 

next time they will

set aside the ultrasound 

and sample the core of me

with a long needle

to see if I am still sweet 

all the way through

but my heart

knows the answer already

there are places inside me 

that have been broken

for a while now.

This is why

all those years since

I went alone to be divorced 

on my birthday 

because courage costs me less

than looks of sympathy 

and if I show up for myself

I’ll never risk feeling 

abandoned.